No. It's A Full Sentences.
Posed question by someone: “Hey. I’m having a housewarming party this weekend. Would you like to join”.
Response A: “Unfortunately, I can’t make it. I’m busy doing assignments and catching up on chores. Maybe next time”.
Response B: No, thank you.
I invite you to take a minute to reflect on the two different responses and its subtle implications.
Being an undiagnosed autistic person until my mid-20’s, people-pleasing and social masking was a routine part of my life. I also had debilitating anxiety and very low self-esteem. As such, I subconsciously felt guilty saying ‘no’ or if I said ‘no’, I felt obligated to justify myself. No was not a full sentence, but the beginning of one. That has begun to change; the routine masking cycle is being disintegrated, with power being reclaimed.
We often accept the status quo and automatically adhere to its expectations without pausing to question and challenge it. I realised that I habitually explained myself for my choices and actions because I was conditioned to feel guilty for honouring my own needs, particularly when it does not align with socially accepted norms. Saying ‘no’ without softening the response with a ‘why’ is considered too blunt or perhaps rude. Why do we do this, even to strangers or people we barely know? It’s because of internalised guilt.
This guilt can lead us to downplay our experiences and/or feelings when our intuition and core self says otherwise, perpetuating neglect of our own needs. Do any of the following resonate with you?
“I’m just overthinking it. It shouldn’t be that bad”.
This line downplays our intuition and implies that we’re being dramatic/exaggerating our responses in some way.
“Why am I feeling this way? They’re just being nice to me”.
Being kind and respectful bare minimum socially expected behaviour. It’s not deserving of a standing ovation or a “CONGRATULATIONS. YOU WEREN’T A PRICK TO ANOTHER PERSON” award. It’s not special.
“I don’t want to be rude, so I should just go to the event”.
Putting needs first isn’t rude, though that’s what societal norms have poisoned our minds with, hence, the masking (not just with neurodivergence, but with mental health challenges). We don’t owe anyone anything. I acknowledge that we do need to compromise at times, and that’s not what I’m referring to here.
“I’m just being irrational”.
Question: Is this belief being driven by irrational anxiety or deep-rooted, conditioned suppression of our truth? That you’d be called “insane” or “unwell” if no one believes you but yourself?
“Come on. I can get through it. It’s not that bad” (in the context of forcing ourselves to stay in uncomfortable situations).
For example, staying in overstimulating environments when our “I need to leave now” limit has been reached so we don’t get judged for leaving early as no one else sees what the problem is.
READING BREAK (IF NEEDED)
A caveat if you will. I used to experience debilitating social anxiety (it was clinically diagnosed when I was in adolescence). With that came non-stop irrational thoughts, self-deprecating internal narratives and crippling fear of everyone and everything. Social anxiety led me to mask and people-please significantly, both of which overlap with autistic experiences.
However, having overcome social anxiety disorder, learnt about my autistic brain and undoing damaging, ingrained thoughts and behaviours injected by societal expectations of “being normal”, I’ve realised there is a profound difference between ignoring intuition and learnt masking behaviour. For example, saying “HELL YEAH” to an invitation to a social gathering because I genuinely want to go and my recalibrated nervous system/intuition is in agreement with it (i.e., I don’t get a bad feeling that it isn’t right for me) is different from saying “yes, I’ll come” because I feel socially obligated to, despite every fibre of my being disagreeing with the acceptance.
An example of my experience of masking and silently saying yes was when I attended my close friend’s graduation ceremony with their partner at the time. I felt quite overwhelmed as there were a lot of novel experiences I wasn’t accustomed to, including meeting my friend’s partner. I felt obligated to continue engaging in conversation with the partner despite feeling overwhelmed and every nerve in my body yelling, “WE NEED A SOCIAL BREAK. WE NEED ALONE TIME TO REGULATE BEFORE RE-ENGAGING”. Did I heed my subconscious signals? No. That night, I joined my friend’s group dinner; there were 3-4 new faces in the mix. This further fuelled my anxiety and dysregulation, and the extremely loud restaurant environment didn’t help either. Half-way through dessert, I hit my internal breaking point and I subtly indicated to my friend that I need to leave. I was on the verge of an autistic meltdown and even when spending time alone, it took a while to return to my ideal level of functioning as I was in a very heightened state.
Note: Silently saying ‘yes’ refers to agreeing to invitations and offers out of fear of judgment or seeming rude or to appease others, not because we genuinely want to be there/engage in that activity. The silent part refers to ‘going along with it’ by not saying no or asserting boundaries. In a social context, not verbally responding or appearing indifferent can be interpreted as ‘yes, I agree’ or ‘yes, I’m in’.
How I started freeing myself from the shackles of masking is divorcing self-esteem from social approval or rejection. This also applies to my inner friend circle and people closest to me. As a result, I gravitate towards saying ‘no’ without stressing over an excuse about why I can’t make it. No means no. It’s a full sentence. If only it was socially acceptable to be this blunt. It makes life simpler.