Autistic Shutdowns + Help-seeking

Navigating human connections can be difficult, and being in a relationship is no exception for me. There's been moments where I faced crossroads; outcomes dependent on my choices. Run towards or away. Choosing the former, I'm evolving in nuanced ways, heeding intuition as guidance. It's not about perfection; it's about ownership of actions.

Excitement and curiosity led me to engage in novelty, rapidly. Confusion, apathy, numbness and exhaustion dominated as the high subsided. An autistic shutdown ensued. The overload was nauseating. However, invaluable lessons about myself were unearthed. Expanding my own limits. Learning that even within a safe presence, I need alone time to effectively regulate. Realising that excitement can be overwhelming without control. To unlearn the idea that I’m running out of time to do everything. That processing time and breaks are necessary, even if my brain forgets the need in the moment. That I don't need to communicate the full story in moments of distress. That I don't need to mask, even when vulnerable.

Seeking help in the midst of a shutdown is confronting for me; a level of vulnerability unfamiliar to me. While submerged, I chose to take a risk, reaching out my hand. In turn, my definition of asking for help has evolved. It goes beyond asking for practical advice or updating others about events after I’ve overcome it. It’s having someone exist in the dark arena with me, being fully present. Even without verbal exchanges, my partner’s safe, authentic presence is felt at my core. I don’t need to be present with the overload, alone. This is a powerful form of support.

The antidote needed to destroy pervasive shame is empathy and authenticity. These rewards can only be reaped through risk-taking.